These tips are geared towards helping families make it through each day as we confront the uncertainty of this time. Managing the day to day dealings of a family can seem overwhelming. As always, children look to their parents to set the tone for how to handle the situation.
Change your expectations:
Make room for imperfection in yourself and others!
- In this new and strange reality, we just can’t do everything. It is impossible to have the same standard of work and keep up with cooking and cleaning, all while having children who need our attention. We need to relax our expectations of ourselves and we need to relax our expectations of others.
- Children are struggling with a new reality: “attending” school in front of a screen, having limited socialization (also in front of a screen) and limited outside activities. They will certainly struggle. Their behavior may deteriorate and sometimes be below the standard that we normally expect.
- Spouses are also juggling working from home, household chores, kids underfoot and worry.
- Teachers and schools are working harder than ever but are not able to provide the level of education they provide in person.
- Emotion fills the void between reality and expectation. When we expect ourselves to cook, clean, teach, work and exercise without any break or without anything falling through the cracks, we will be disappointed and disheartened. When we expect our children to live in this altered reality without fighting with their siblings, having a meltdown or disobeying a rule, we will be frustrated. But when we acknowledge that handling stress is difficult for our children, our spouses and ourselves we are more likely to take those things in stride and perhaps even feel pride and happiness if we meet or even exceed expectations - even if it’s just for an hour or two.
Make new priorities:
When we change expectations, it forces us to examine our priorities.
- We are all being asked to do more with limited resources.
- We need to make choices. Maybe the house won’t be as clean or the kids will have more screen time or you will exercise less. It’s OK for there to be a change in what you prioritize.
- Decide what must get done and focus on how to make that happen.
Find your reset button(s):
- As we anticipate having a meltdown here or there, figure out how to reset and move on.
- Different members of your family may need different strategies. At bedtime or another calm moment, discuss with each child what can help them reset from a hard time. Maybe it’s a cuddle, a joke, being alone in a cozy corner, a snack, a dance party, a shower or time outside.
- Know what you, too, need to do to reset. Maybe it’s a break, a walk, a piece of chocolate or breaking into an off-key version of Taylor Swift’s “Shake it Off.”
- Even as you think about a reset strategy, manage your expectations. Some of these strategies may not work the first time they are used (or the second or the third). The goal is to minimize the amount of time it takes a person to reset and to reduce the number of meltdowns happening over time.
Communicate:
- Most of us are stuck indoors with the people we presumably love most in the world. It’s important to acknowledge that it can still be hard!
- Sit down with your spouse and discuss who will do what around the house, especially if you are both now working professionally from home.
- Be clear with your children when you can be interrupted at work and when you can’t. A visual symbol, such as a sign saying “Mommy Is Busy Now” posted on the door, can be helpful in reminding your child to wait for you while reassuring her that you will soon be available.
- Be clear about new expectations, priorities and responsibilities.
- Discuss current events in developmentally appropriate ways, speaking in a matter of fact tone, and judiciously sharing information, to minimize fear and anxiety.
- Encourage families members to let each other know if they are having a bad day. You can then treat someone with a little extra kindness and not misinterpret a harsh tone.
Find the Positive:
If we allow ourselves the time to think it through, there are likely many positives in this new reality.
- Not rushing everyone out the door in the morning, having relaxed family meals, experiencing a reprieve from our ordinary overscheduled life is a nice change.
- Choose something that is different and meaningful about this time and acknowledge it each day.
- Have fun, laugh, be silly.
- Encourage unstructured free play for your children..
- Reach out and reconnect with friends and family.
- Set a new goal. Maybe it’s a skill or chore you’ve been wanting to teach a child, a closet you’ve been meaning to clean out, a new recipe you’ve wanted to try.
- When you look back on this time, what would you like to remember most? How would you like to grow from this experience? What should you learn? How can you make your corner of the world safe and sane?
Know your limits:
- It’s OK to take a break - from the news, from your phone, from the kids or even from your spouse.
- If a particular WhatsApp group or social media feed is making you more anxious or overwhelmed, turn it off.
- If you need to make it an early night and leave dishes or work for the morning, that’s OK.
- Respect everyone’s need to have some alone time.
- Although local organizations are well intentioned, it’s easy to feel more pressure from the availability of communal opportunities . Social media posts meant to be helpful suggestions may be unrealistic or counterproductive for your family. Don't feel pressured to join every zoom, try every project or boredom-buster you see posted online. Choose activities that will be fun, manageable and appropriate to your family’s preferences and needs.
Each day is another opportunity. Wishing you all much strength and patience. Stay healthy and safe!